


I Loved Him For Forever

by Not_Really_Heere (Mare_Nubium)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Evan's crush is Connor, Love Letters, M/M, Misunderstandings, NO DEATH, Suicide Attempt, Zoe is a friend crush, not romantic - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-08 11:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14104317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mare_Nubium/pseuds/Not_Really_Heere
Summary: When the Murphy's come to talk about Connor's 'suicide note' Evan clears things up. It probably wasn't what they were expecting.





	1. The Letter

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is not going to be a great day, or month, or year. But that’s no surprise is it? I mean, why would it? Because there might be a chance that I’ll make a friend? That Zoe may actually talk to me? Yeah right. That’s not even the biggest problem. No. The biggest problem is this stupid crush that’s been going on for way too long! Come on! Seventh grade and still! How pathetic, right? He’s this… amazing guy and…It sucks._

_I saw him over Summer. Not that he noticed at all, but why would he? He looked… he just looked so pretty like he always does. Now I know what you’re thinking. Why do you even like this guy? How could I not? He’s tall and confident. When he’s having a good day his eyes just… kind of sparkle, and even when he’s having a bad day and his eyes are like voids… it hurts to see, but… it’s like an ocean. Deep, endless, something you should be fearful of but you can’t stop thinking how breathtaking it is, and maybe it wouldn’t be bad to be sucked under. Then there’s his rare little smile. It’s crooked and it looks like he’s not used to smiling and it just… it makes me warm and I just want to see him smile more. See him smile until it doesn’t look awkward and get laugh lines instead of frown lines. He has problems too, he’s not perfect. But neither am I. I’d be willing to stay if he’d let me._

_He probably doesn’t even like guys. Why couldn’t it have been his sister? It would have been so much easier. Both of them are out of your league, but no one would make fun of you or beat you up for a crush on a girl. Why can’t I just be normal? My whole year is based on, really, two people who have no reason to ever give me the time of day, and why would they? I’m just a fuck up like always. Even mom can see that. I wish… I wish for a lot of things. Well that’s the bell._

_Sincerely, me_


	2. Chapter 2

Evan bit his thumb knuckle as he stared at the board. He felt his heart beat beginning to speed up, the cold sweat at the back of his neck and the closing of his throat. He was starting to panic. His hands clenched as forced himself not to twitch or scratch at his arms, well arm. It wasn’t the best but it was something he did to try and keep himself from running out of the classroom. The pain helped to keep him grounded. Sort of. Not really. It made him twitch and fidget more. He was about to run when there was a knock at the door. A student came in and handed the teacher a note before leaving. He looked at the note before glancing at Evan.

“You’re wanted in the principal's office.” Evan’s heart felt like it stopped as he got up. The numbness quickly spread as his hand shook, taking the note and walking out robotically. What was this about? His mind quickly switched from why he was being called once he passed one locker. Connor Murphy’s. Evan hadn’t seen him today, but that wasn’t too odd. Connor tended to skip out on classes. What had him worried was that he hadn’t seen Zoe that day either. Had something happened? Was Connor okay? Was Zoe? What if something happened to their parents? THoughts kept coming faster and faster until he opened the door and walked in. There were two adults standing off to the side. The man was staring with his jaw locked. The woman, though, was crying. Her hand was clutching a piece of paper.

“Evan, why don’t you have a seat?” The principal suggested as he stood, “I’ll give you a few moments.” Slowly Evan sank into a chair. It was quiet for a few moments. The woman seemed to gather herself together but then glanced at Evan’s cast and started crying again.

“M-Ma’am?” Evan asked hesitantly.

“Evan, We’re Connor’s parents.” the man said, “I’m Larry and this is Cynthia.” He could feel himself going pale.

“C-Con- is is he? What?” Cynthia shook her head as she held out the paper.

“Connor… Connor tried killing himself.”

“He’s in the hospital.” Larry clarified.

“We… we thought you should know. He… he had this letter… addressed to you.” Evan took it with a shaky hand then stared as his own words looked back at him, “It’s… nice to know he had a friend.”

“We were wondering… if you know… who the boy in the letter was?” Larry sounded awkward, like he didn’t want to speak of it. Evan’s blood was rushing as his breath hitched.

“We know Connor’s gay, but we didn’t know he had a crush. One that he felt so strongly about.” Cynthia spoke softly with a tender note to it. Like she was happy that Connor had someone.

“T-This. The let-letter the letter is-isn’t Con. It’s not.”

“Sweetie, I know this is hard.” Cynthia tried, but Evan shook his head.

“N-no. He-he did-didn’t he didn’t write th-this.”

“...What do you mean?” Evan started to shake.

“I-It’s my th-therapy le-letter. My therapy letter. C-Connor t-ook i- took it.” He saw Cynthia’s eyes break when he said that.

“O-Oh. I-I’m sorry then-”

“Th-The boy in the-”

“It’s okay sweetie you don’t-”

“It’s Connor!” Evan blurted out before curling into a tight ball, eyes screwed shut as he felt a warm flush cover his face. It was silent for a few moments.

“Evan, sweetie, can you repeat that?” Her voice was so… delicate. Like a snowflake.

“The boy…. It’s Connor.”

“You…”

“I’ll wait outside.” muttered Larry, obviously uncomfortable with this discussion. Once the door shut Evan looked up again, tears burning his eyes.

“Yeah.” Evan was startled by the hug.

“You really like him?” Evan nodded. Hesitantly he returned the hug.

“...Is… is he going to be okay?”

“Yes honey. He’s just needs to recover. He’ll… He’ll be away for a bit after that. But he’s alive.” Evan nodded again. When Cynthia broke the hug she looked at him.

“I’ll have Zoe keep you updated, okay?” Evan nodded. He waited until the woman left before he finally broke down. Everything felt floaty as his breathing quickened and tears began to spill forth. He couldn’t breath. His head felt like pressure was building up and his chest felt cold. His vision started to blackout around the corners. He could hear voices but he couldn't focus. Couldn’t focus. Couldn’t breath. He felt light and heavy and cold and warm and not safe not safe notsafe notsafenotsafenotokaynotokay-


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_THE NEW TITLE IS CURTESY OF OppressedArtist_ **

Evan was sitting quietly in his room, staring out the window. He hadn’t gone back to school today. After the severe panic attack yesterday he had decided it was best to wait. He didn’t want his mom to have to be called out of work because he can’t handle his emotions. The wind blew softly, causing the leaves to dance around. There was a bird’s nest in the branch near his window. That had been a happy thing over the summer. Watching the little birds grow big and fly off. Now the nest was empty except for the mother bird. His mind wandered as he stared at the mess of twigs. Connor was in the hospital. He had tried to kill himself. He had tried to do what Evan did over the summer. His hand twitched with the urge to do something. But what? He wouldn’t have even known that his long time crush was almost gone for good if it weren’t for the fact that Connor had his letter-

“That’s it!” Evan bounded over to his desk, grabbing his journal and a pen. He sat back down on the bed before frowning. Maybe he wouldn’t hand write it first. He wanted the letters to be perfect. He would type it first. So he began. Each day he would write a letter on his laptop, about something he liked about Connor. Then he would hand write it and sign it with ‘Sincerely, Me’. He would go to school early, silently panic about what he was going to do, then realise that Connor needed to know that someone did notice, that someone cared. So he would slip the letter into Connor’s locker. On some days he’d write more than one. It continued like this and no one was none the wiser. Or so he thought.

“Writing to your boyfriend?” Jared teased, startling Evan from his thoughts. It was after school, and no one else was around. Except for his family friend.

“J-Jared! W-What- what are you d-doing?” Jared raised a brow as he leant against Connor’s locker.

“I asked you first, but if it makes you feel better. I had a thing after school today.”

“D-Detention?” Evan guessed. Jared gave a dramatic sigh, but nodded nonetheless.

“Now don’t think about trying to change the subject. I know you too well Evan. So, writing the boyfriend?”

“I-I don-” Jared’s look cut off Evan’s stuttered denial.

“Evan, I know you too well.”

“W-We aren-aren’t dating!” A slow smirk stretched across his friend’s face. He leant closer, glasses slipping down his nose.

“But you want to.”

“W-” With a roll of the eyes Jared moved back, plucking the letter from Evan’s hand and sliding it into the letter.

“I’ll drive you home.” Evan felt his heart sink, but he knew he wouldn’t protest either, not with Jared pulling him through the rain. Once inside Jared turned on the heat and began to drive.

“I knew about your crush on the emo weirdo since sixth grade when you turned red and made a dying animal noise when you saw him smile. I also know you didn’t realise it until a year later.” Evan could only stare, eyes wide as Jared kept his eyes on the road, “I was kind of hoping you’d tell me, but it’s not like I blame you for not.”

“Uh, yeah. Okay.” Evan squeaked out. It was silent except for the pattering of rain on the window.

“So… the letters… they’re… what? Love confessions for when he comes back to school? Are you finally growing a pair and asking him out? Is my little boy going to be dating?” Jared pretended to wipe a tear away. He snickered as Evan’s face turned red.

“N-No! They… They’re just… an-anon… anonymous. Just… things… things that I noticed. Cute things. Or just… th-things I noticed- noticed about h-him.”

“Kind of a ‘Someone sees you?’ but less stalkerish and more motivational?” Jared guessed. Evan froze, body tensing as he slowly turned to Jared. Jared paled a little at the horrified look on his friend’s face. He done fucked up.

“S-Stalkerish? Wait. D-Do you really think- oh god- w-what if- he’s going to- Jared!” Came the keening whine as Evan’s vision began to blur and his breathing sped up.

“Dude!” There was a hand on his shoulders, “Evan, breath. I meant that as a joke. It’s not stalkerish so long as you aren’t following him outside of school or some shit like that. What you are doing is gross romancy things that girls and boys who are hopelessly crushing do. Meaning, it’s perfectly normal. Besides, it’s not like Connor will ever know you wrote it. I mean, no one but me knows about your crush anyway.” A pitiful whine left Evan’s mouth as he let his head hit Jared’s shoulder.

“...What the fuck? Who else knows?” Evan looked up sadly.

“There...is a lot I nee-need to tell you.” He admitted. Jared sighed but nodded.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Jared is more open on being friends with Evan! He also totally knew about Evan's crush because they basically grew up together.
> 
> I'm torn between writing the next chapter with Jared and Evan talking or just skipping months ahead and having Connor coming back to school. Any opinions?


	4. Chapter 4

Evan stood next to his locker, heart in his throat. He just kept re-reading the message on his phone over and over again.

**From Zoe: Connor’s back.**

Back where? Back at home? Back at school? Oh god. It had been a few months and Evan _knew_ that the other boy’s locker was stuffed with letters. He knew because Jared had gone to put one letter in for him since he was stuck sick and told him how he had struggled to get the thing in. Okay. So. Jared might have been teasing him, but Evan wasn’t really sure if that was true or not. All he did know was that Connor was back whatever that meant which also meant that he was going to see all the letters that Evan wrote, and why did he think that was a good idea? Connor was going to see those letters and think whoever wrote them was a freak or worse, he might think that they were just a joke. Evan hoped not. He put a date on each of them. He was so lost in his thoughts when a hand was put on his shoulder. Yelping he turned only to see Jared there.

“What’s got you so jumpy?” Jared had… well he hadn’t exactly calmed down with his teasing, but he did understand when not to make a joke or when to drop it. He had seen how distressed Evan had gotten over the whole Connor thing. He still teased him, but it was less in public and more obviously a joke. At least. Evan hoped so.

“Ev?” Evan held out his phone, voice failing him. Jared read the text, eyes widening before he glanced up.

“Shit.” He gave the phone back before forcing Evan to make eye contact, “Hey, no over thinking. We’ve been over this. You’re okay. He won’t be able to connect the letters to you, and who knows? Even if he thinks it’s a joke he might be happy because I can almost say with certainty that no one else noticed that when he’s sad he’ll use an orange hair tie but when he’s happy he uses green. Or that when he’s bored he doodles and ‘wow, you’re really amazing.’ So, deep breaths.” Evan nodded. It took a little longer, but soon he was calm enough to head to class. Only to freeze when he turned the corner. There stood Connor Murphy, ignoring everyone in the hallway. He looked so pretty. Then he opened the locker’s door. Evan felt like a rabbit was racing in his chest, but a firm hand on his arm kept him from bolting.

“Play it cool.” Jared hissed, “It will seem too suspicious if you ran now.” Evan gave a jerky nod, unable to look away.

“What the fuck?” Connor asked out loud as he looked at all the letters that had fallen to the ground. There were still some in there too. He continued to stare for a moment.

“Aw look! The school freak has letters!” Someone jeered. Evan saw the little line of tension and his heart broke as he saw Connor’s defense go up.

“Fcuk off Crope!” Evan was startled as Jared suddenly yelled next to him. Jared was glaring at a guy not to far away. The guy looked like a stereotypical jock, except for the fact that he didn’t actually play any sports. The guy sneered.

“Protecting the school psychopath now Kleinman?”

“No, just trying to be this thing called a decent human being for once. You should try it! The whole asshole thing went out of style a while ago.” Evan stared at Jared with an open mouth. He couldn’t- what just? Huh? Crope said something, but a teacher came down the hall which stopped any further words. With a sigh his friend pushed up his glasses and headed towards Evan’s long time crush. Dragging Evan with.

“What the fuck?” There wasn’t any real bit to the words. Connor just sounded tired. Jared rummaged through his backpack before pulling out a garbage bag.

“I was going to clean my locker, but it seems you might need it more. You sure have a lot of letters.”

“Probably just a prank.” Evan’s heart sunk. Jared seemed to know because once Connor took the bag Jared swiped a letter, opening it like the nosey jerk he sometimes was.

“Then let’s find out.” Jared cleared his throat then began to read, “Dear Connor Murphy, you… you have a really nice smile. I know you don’t smile often, but when you do it’s… it’s like a really starry night. It’s pretty and amazing and wonderful to look at. It’s a smile that makes other people smile. I wish… I wish there were more reasons for you to smile then frown, but that’s kind of what makes them special. Like… Like seeing a shooting star! I just really wish that you never really lose that smile. Even when things are really bad I hope you still have at least one thing that will make it come back. Sincerely, me.” Evan glanced up. Connor’s face was red. Not just a little red, but really red. It started at his cheeks then spread across the nose. It was super cute. The taller boy opened and closed his mouth a few times, but before he could say anything Jared was handing him the letter and pulling Evan away as the bell rang.

“Good luck, lover boy!” Jared said before they were gone. Evan couldn’t figure out who he was talking to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first! Thank you so much for the Kudos! It makes me happy knowing people actually like this.
> 
> So Connor's back, and it kind of just clicked in for Evan that 'Holy- he's going to read all those letters Jared HELP!' Jared helps, but not in the way Evan hoped.
> 
> Connor's too shocked about the letter to do anything except blush and stare because 'What the fuck? Why would anyone write that about _him_?' Also he was so going to read them just because he likes to torment himself.
> 
> Mrs. Murphy told Zoe that Evan and Connor were friends because she will not out people like that. Zoe was very confused.
> 
> I might do a bonus chapter where it's- you know what. I am going to, but I'm not sure if I'll post it as next chapter or at the very end


	5. Chapter 5

Evan peeked around his locker door to watch as Connor pulled out the latest letter. The tiny smile that Connor got made Evan’s knees feel weak and his heart speed up, but in a good way. It had been two weeks since Connor came back, and Evan had continued to write letters. The first couple days Jared had basically threatened to tell Connor Evan wrote them if he stopped, then put them in his locker because Evan could not. Seeing how happy Connor looked when he got one made Evan’s day. He still wasn’t sure why Jared had pushed, but he was happy he did.

“Evan,” came the sing song voice, “You’re drooling.” He whipped his head towards Jared, eyes wide as he rubbed his chin nervously.

“N-No I’m not.”

“But you are all googly doey eyed.” Jared sighed as he leant heavily against the locker.

“Why don’t you just tell him? It’s obvious he’s flattered, and well on the way to smitten.” Nose scrunching, because who even uses those words? Evan shook his head.

“J-Jared. N-No one-no one wants to-to date me. He-He wouldn’t e-even give me-me a look.”

“Well I don’t know, but he’s definitely looking at you now.” Rolling his eyes Evan closed his locker.

“You-You aren’t funny.” Jared just shrugged.

“Fine. Don’t believe me. Come on, let’s get to class.” As they walked to the room Evan saw Zoe giving him a long look. That made him uneasy, but he ignored it. As the day went on Evan spent most of it writing little things he noticed or liked about Connor. How in eighth grade he would read all these books about folklore and he would look at the books in wonder with big eyes, like he was seeing something no one else ever would. He read a lot. That for a week he wore pastels and it just made him seem softer. That he was actually a lot smarter than anyone actually thought he was.

“Hansen!” Evan jolted, hard enough that he hit his knee. He clutched it as he hunched over.

“Y-Y-es?” He squeaked out, eyes burning with unshed tears.

“What is the answer to the question on the board?” Evan looked, seeing a math equation that he did not understand at all.

“I-It’s th-the- the ans-wer it’s-” A hand grabbed his paper. The one that he had been writing on.

“Fourteen.” Jared called, looking at the paper as if he read it from Evan.

“Correct. Next time let Hansen answer the question.” came the exasperated sigh. Jared nodded as he handed the paper back with a wiggle of the eyebrows. With a burning face Evan made sure to pay attention.

“Duuuuuuuuuude.” Jared groaned as they headed towards lunch, “Ask him out already! God I knew you had it bad, but this… this is just… how many times have you written?” He hissed the last part, “And you still find more things?”

“There’s a lot.” Evan muttered shyly. With a shake of the head Jared sighed fondly.

“I hope one day someone likes me as much as you like him.” Knocking their shoulders Evan smiled.

“Of-of course some-someone will!” A laugh left Jared at Evan’s earnest response.

“Yeah, okay. Just make sure your boy treats you right. I’ll have to beat him up otherwise.” Evan laughed.

“Right.” Jared turned on his heel and looked at him with betrayal.

“What? Don’t think I could?”

“Jared. He took out three guys last year.” Evan reminded, “You can barley open a pickle jar.”

“Oh! Like you can!” Evan just laughed again. It was bright and happy. There was a thump followed by loud cursing. Connor was behind them, clutching his nose as he stood in front of a pole for the double doors. Jared was biting his knuckle to keep himself from laughing. Red splotches covered his face.

“G-Go see if he’s alright.” Jared hissed, voice wavering. He gave Evan a bit of a shove. Evan bit his lip, but nodded. Connor was still cursing when he got there.

“A-Are-are you-you a-all r-r-right? S-sorry stupid-stupid ques-question. Is-Is it ba-bad?” Connor seemed to freeze, turning towards Evan.

“Uh-” Red seeped from between Connor’s fingers.

“Y-You’re bleeding!” Evan shouted, already searching through his bag.

“Fuck!” Evan shoved tissues to Connor who quickly used it to slow the bleeding. Evan opened his mouth but Connor was being yanked away by Zoe.

“What the fuck Connor? Oh my god, get to the nurses office!” She manhandled her brother away. Once they turned the corner Jared’s laugh filled the air. Slowly Evan turned back around. 

“Wha-what just happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to end the story this chapter, but Connor running into a pole.
> 
> Also, Jared teasing and being supportive of Evan gives me life.


	6. Chapter 6

Evan smiled as he looked at the letter in his hand. This one was kind of special. The paper was different than the others, and the actual written part was different too. It was way past the time school ended, he had to wait for Jared who had a detention again, so he could linger without getting weird looks. He was standing in front of Connor’s locker, finger tracing the edge of the paper. His heart fluttered and he moved to slip it in when there was warmth at his back. He could feel someone towering over him and saw movement as an arm rested against the side of the locker. He froze, heart beating quickly for an altogether different reason. 

“Turn around.” Slowly, and a little bit uncomfortable because he was pressed between the body and the locker, Evan turned. Looking down at him with a brow raised in a silent question stood Connor Murphy. 

“Now why is Evan Hansen standing in front of my locker?” Connor asked, eyes never leaving Evan’s. Evan wanted to look away. He really did, but he couldn’t. That meant he saw Connor’s eyes slowly trail down to the letter in his hand. Connor grabbed it with his free hand before standing a little straighter. He pressed closer to keep Evan from leaving. Face burning Evan tried focusing on anything other then his _crush_ pressing against him. Then his eyes landed on the letter and it was a fight to keep his breathing even.

“So, it was you.” Connor murmured. Peeking up he saw a bright blush on Connor as he looked at the letter, “You’ve been writing me letters every day.”

“H-What do… What do you me-mean it-it was me?” Evan asked quietly. Connor looked up, with a firm look, like he was trying to stare Evan down.

“You know, I was really confused. According to Zoe, mom told her that you and I were friends, and to keep you updated. Then I get these letters and mom acts like she knows something. A little strange, don’t you think? I talked it out with Zoe and she agreed that it seemed pretty suspicious.” Evan finally broke eye contact, staring at the floor in embarrassment. Long fingers slowly tilted Evan’s face upward.

“Did you mean what you wrote?”

“E-Every-w-word.” Connor leant closer until they were sharing breath.

“You know. I always thought you were pretty cute.”

“I-I w-wwould I would say- but… well… the l-letters.” The last part became kind of mumbled because holy hell Connor thought he was cute? His _crush_ thought _he_ was _cute_! Connor gave a soft laugh, that barely there smile gracing his features.

“Yeah… You know… there’s something I’ve wanted to do…”

“W-What? What is it?” Evan watched Connor’s face move closer. There wasn’t much room between them now. Just a little closer. When Connor spoke he could feel the slightest bit of movement.

“Kiss you.” Evan’s breath hitched a little but Connor didn’t move any closer. Evan looked at him in confusion.

“I’m not going to kiss you unless you say it’s okay.” Connor specified. Nodding a little Evan whispered,

“Please?” The feeling of lips against his was… better than he had thought. A warm tingle shot up his spine as he made a little noise. A warm hand rested on his side. Feeling awkward with his hands still pressed against him Evan brought them up to rest on Connor’s shoulders. It was a simple press of lips, but it was amazing. Connor pulled back first. Evan didn’t let him even open his mouth before he pressed his lips against the others. Connor’s eyes were wide for a moment after Evan pulled back.

“Oh. Wow.” Evan dropped back to his feet, unsure when he stood on his toes. His gaze moved to his feet.

“So, uh, what? Uh, what are- what a-are we”

“Boyfriends obviously.” Evan shrieked at the sudden voice. Connor stumbled backwards, his legs tangling in Evan’s. Connor glared from his spot on the floor at Jared who had a cellphone in hand. Jared pretend to wipe a tear.

“My little boy has his first boyfriend!”

“J-Jared!” Evan protested, ears burning. Jared smirked at him, eyes alight with amusement.

“I _told_ you that Connor had been checking you out! I bet he ran into the pole because he got distracted by your laugh!” The flush to his face and the aversion of his eyes told the two boys that, yes, that was what happened. That earned a loud cackling laughter from Jared. Ignoring his friend Evan helped Connor stand.

“How-uh How long have-?”

“I showed up when Connor kissed you. Since it didn’t appear to escalate I just waited.” Jared shrugged as he tapped away at his phone. Evan’s buzzed not long after. He squeaked at the pictures of the two kisses.

“The fuck?” Connor was looking at his own as well.

“What? Don’t want pictures of your first kiss?” He teased, “Now come on loverboys. I don’t want to be here any longer.”

“You… want me to come with?” Connor asked slowly. Jared turned to him.

“Do you want to wait another hour for your sister? Besides. With you and Ev dating we might as well start on that whole ‘being nice’ thing. Or at least not being as harsh.”

“You… are okay with this?” Jared rolled his eyes.

“I have been waiting for you both to become a thing since sixth grade. I have had more than enough time to make my peace about this.” He gestured between the two of them, “Honestly. I’m glad this worked out. Next step was locking you both in a closet, or ‘accidentally’ texting you. Something like ‘Evan just ask Connor out already.’” Connor kind of shrugged, waving the hand with the letter in it.

“I mean. He basically did?” Jared’s eyes lit up as he turned to his friend.

“Okay, you’re going to tell me everything later. Right now, though, we have movies waiting for us and a pizza to call in.” They walked towards the exit. In a bought of bravery Evan caught Connor’s hand. The taller one smiled shyly as he intertwined their fingers.

“You both better not start making out.” Jared warned as he got into the car, “Do that gross stuff on your own time.”

“Or what? You’ll yell insults at us?” Connor asked unimpressed.

“No, I’ll spray you with a spray bottle. Or some of that axe stuff that I found in my brother’s room. It smells like death, and I _will_ douse you.” Evan giggled. He felt happy. He was dating his crush, well, Connor didn’t say no about the boyfriend’s thing, but they would discuss that later, and his friend was being nice. Things were looking up in a way that Evan had never even hoped for. Smiling he listened to Connor and Jared talk the rest of the way to his house. He never thought he would actually thankful for those stupid therapy letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Edit: I JUST REALISED THAT PART OF THIS CHAPTER WAS MISSING. SO I ADDED IT BACK IN :/**  
>  Sorry for not posting in a while and sorry for this disappointing chapter.
> 
> This last week has been sucky. I haven't been able to sleep properly (literally two days the only thing keeping me moving was MountainDew and Coffee) and things I have to do for the college I'm attending next year. Plus my mental illnesses have been acting up all week even though I have medication that supposed to help with it.
> 
> Anyway. Sorry again about this.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left a comment. I wanted to respond to each of them separately, but I just haven't had the mental strength to do so. Really, though, if it weren't for those comments and all the likes and stuff that I had gotten I probably wouldn't have been able to even bring myself to finish this. But because there are so many I would have felt bad and my anxiety would have acted up again!
> 
> So thank you very much for the lovely comments/support!


	7. Chapter 7

Connor glared as he entered his house. He ignored his mother and sulked off to his room. He didn’t feel too bad about it. For some reason she had been acting… Nicer? No. That wasn’t quite right… It was like how she acted when she heard that Aunt Frankie might actually be able to have a kid. Like she was hoping for something. That was it. She was acting hopeful! She was hopeful around him again. Connor paused in the middle of changing. His mother was hopeful? She was hopeful about him? What the fuck could have caused that? No one had hope in Connor anymore. Not even Connor, that’s why he tried to off himself fast and quick. Of course then that fucking cop just had to be patrolling. Connor scowled as he finished getting ready. Whatever. It didn’t matter. In a few days she’d just go back to giving up on him like everyone else. It would be better too. Can’t be disappointed in your son when he’s only ever a dissapointment. Connor sighed heavily. At least this time around she fought Larry on getting him meds. If they didn’t work he would have to talk to his doctor about trying different ones.

“Connor?” Closing his eyes Connor hummed, giving his mother permission to enter the room.

“Sweetie, are you going to school tomorrow?” She asked. Landing on his bed with a thud he asked in return,

“Do I actually have a choice?” A warm hand rested on his arm. It made his skin crawl. That was another thing. His mother tried to be more affectionate and it left him feeling like bugs were crawling all over his skin. Or when she hugged him all he could do was stand there awkwardly tense and pray to god it ended soon. It felt unnatural.

“If you don’t want to I will let you stay home.” Connor threw his arm that his mother was touching over his eyes.

“I’ll go. I don’t want to deal with Larry tomorrow.”

“Alright hun. I’ll let you get some rest.” His mother left and Connor was about to fall to sleep when there was another knock on the door.

“What?” He groaned. Zoe walked in. The tension wasn’t as bad as it usually was. There had been a few family therapy sessions. While it was far from good between the two of them it… helped?

“With everything going on I almost forgot. You should text Evan. Let him know you’re okay and shit.” Confusion filled him as he stared at her.

“What?”

“Evan? Evan Hansen? You know, you’re friend? At least that’s what mom said.”

“Mom said that me and Evan were friends?” Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Okay, play dumb. I’m getting food.” With that she left, leaving Connor more confused than before.

*

Connor frowned as he entered the school, Zoe’s words still bouncing around his head. Why the fuck did his mom think Evan was his friend? Mentally he walked through that day. He have shoved Evan then went to apologise, and ended up stealing his lett- fuck. It had been addressed to Evan, hadn’t it? God no wonder his mom thought they were friends. He wasn’t even surprised that Evan didn’t correct her. He was too… he was too. That was about it. He was too anxious, too shy, stuttered too much, too fearful. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Being friends with someone like Hansen. He was at least too afraid to be an asshole on purpose. Connor sighed heavily as he made his way to his locker. Absentmindedly he opened it only to have a waterfall of paper come tumbling out. It took a moment for him to realise that they were letters. A lot of them. They piled around his feet while a bunch were still inside as well. What… What the fuck? Was this a prank? Something the students did to make themselves feel better over the fact he tried to kill himself?

“What the fuck?” The words slipped out.

“Aw look! The school freak has letters!” Connor tensed. One day back and people were already being fucking assholes. Perfect. Looks like things really don’t change. He was about to slam the locker door and bail when a voice he never thought he would here defending _him_ of all people, spoke up.

“Fuck off Crope!” Jared Kleinman shouted. Evan jolted next to him. Apparently he wasn’t expecting the shout either. Not only that but Kleinman was actually glaring! It was the same kind of glare he’d give Evan’s bullies once the boy was out of sight. Whoever the asshole was sneered at the bispeckled boy.

“Protecting the school psychopath now Kleinman?” came the very unoriginal response.

“No, just trying to be this thing called a decent human being for once. You should try it! The whole asshole thing went out of style a while ago.” Even Evan was staring at his friend in complete shock. Connor watched as the ass was about to make some remark, but an old librarian like teacher came by, scaring the guy off. Connor watched as Jared came over, dragging Evan. The other boy looked like he was about to throw up with nerves.

“What the fuck?” Connor asked with no bite. If this was another game, he really wasn’t in the mood for it. Between the hospital, home, and now school, he was just so tired. Instead of giving an answer about why he stood up for him, Jared dug out a garbage bag.

“I was going to clean my locker, but it seems you might need it more. You sure have a lot of letters.” 

“Probably just a prank.” He sighed. It kind of really sucked. It would have been nice if they were genuine. He began to fill the bag with the letters. He was still going to read them. He was too much a masochist not to. While he was grabbing the ones on the ground Jared swiped a letter from the locker. He didn’t bother trying to get it back as Jared opened it.

“Then, let’s find out.” Great. Jared cleared his throat before dramatically reading the letter like some… some middle school girl.

“Dear Connor Murphy, you… you have a really nice smile. I know you don’t smile often, but when you do it’s… it’s like a really starry night. It’s pretty and amazing and wonderful to look at. It’s a smile that makes other people smile. I wish… I wish there were more reasons for you to smile then frown, but that’s kind of what makes them special. Like… Like seeing a shooting star! I just really wish that you never really lose that smile. Even when things are really bad I hope you still have at least one thing that will make it come back. Sincerely, me.” Connor’s face was burning. He could feel it burning. He could feel it covering his whole face as he tried to understand what he just heard. This… were all the notes… why would someone…. Why would someone write that about him? No one wrote that kind of stuff about him, people wrote that kind of stuff about Zoe. He was the school psycho that would be voted most likely to kill everyone if the school allowed those kind of polls in the yearbook. He tried to say something, but no words were leaving. As words were finally starting to form the letter was given back to him. Jared was leaving with Evan. Before they were too far away Jared yelled,

“Good luck, Lover Boy!” Connor was left alone to finish picking up his letters. He stared intently at each one as he put them in the white bag. Some were colored envelopes, others had designs on them, but most were white. There was so many. Where they all from the same person? Where all of them as nice as that one was? Was the person being sincere or was this really just a joke? As Connor was finishing with the letters he heard the bell ring. Sighing in annoyance he put the bag into his locker. He knew his mother had called the school to let them know that he was going today. If he missed any of his classes the school was going to call her and she would probably panic thinking he went and offed himself. Reluctantly he went to class, mind on the letters the entire time.

*

Connor was in the living room after school. Zoe had practice so his mother had picked him up. She glanced at the garbage bag, but Connor didn’t answer the unasked question. She didn’t push it. Instead she asked him to stay in the living room until dinner. Irritation had ran through him, but he complied when she said Larry would be at work late. After half assing his homework he finally let curiosity get the better of him. He pulled the bag over and reached in for one. It was a purple envelope.

 _Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_I really like that you paint your nails. I know people have given you a hard time for that, especially when you paint them in support of something. Usually it’s a really dark shade that could still be mistaken for black, but pastel pink looks really nice on you. You also did a really cool thing during pride month. It was a galaxy kind of thing, but in rainbow colors. It was really pretty._  
_Sincerely, me._

The date on the letter was about three weeks after Connor had been put in the mental hospital. The thing that Connor was stuck on, though, was what was written. He remembered the Pride nail polish. He had done that his sophomore year. It was something he had actually been proud of. It had turned out pretty cool, but it was the mention of pastel pink nail polish that had him staring. He had worn that shade of pink back in eighth grade when he had worn it for breast cancer awareness. He couldn’t find anything other then that or a bright neon. Whoever was writing him apparently had been watching him since then. He opened more letters. There were mentions of his drawings, of his hair ties, and how he looked while reading.

_Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_You have a really nice voice. A really nice voice. I like hearing you talk. There’s just… I don’t know. I could listen to you talk for hours. It’s not just your talking voice, though. Your singing voice is so amazing. I remember the middle school choir concert. It was the younger students first. When Zoe had her solo I had thought no one was better, then came your group, and you sang your solo, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. No one else I’ve heard comes even close to how amazing you sound. I hear you singing softly sometimes. I can’t help but smile when you do._  
_Sincerely, Me._

Connor’s face turned red. Okay, so, apparently this person has been paying attention to him longer than he thought. The only time Zoe and Connor had been in choir at the same time was when Zoe had started sixth grade and Connor was in seventh. He had stopped, though, because all he had heard was how great Zoe had been. His mother had been the only one to give him any kind of praise, and that hurt, a lot. It wasn’t just Larry, though, it had been some of his aunts and uncles who had come with because it was a holiday concert. It was his cousins, some of which he had actually gotten along well with. He couldn’t feel bad about his grandparents. His one grandpa had been mostly deaf. His other thought Zoe was Zack, and that Connor was Connie. His grandfather was fully aware that Zoe was a girl and Connor was a boy, but he was convinced that they had names of the opposite gender. No one could figure out why. His grandmother had fallen asleep. He sometimes sang, but he had lost a lot of confidence after that performance. Yet here someone was, someone outside of his family, outside of his teacher, telling him he sounded good. Not just good, but that he sang better than Zoe.

“Connor?” His mother’s voice broke him out of his train of thought. He was startled pretty badly, falling off the couch in response. She was looking at the letters in confusion, but with a happiness.

“Who sent you all these letters?” She asked. There was something in her voice, like she had an idea, but needed it confirmed. Connor just shrugged self consciously.

“Dunno. They didn’t put a name, only sincerely me.” A small excited squeak escaped his mother. Connor looked at her in confusion as she just waved him off with one hand, the other cover her mouth.

“Just, don’t worry sweetie. Are they nice letters?” Connor thought back to what he had read, all the nice things, little observations that left him feeling exposed, but noticed in a way he thought he never would be. His face warmed.

“Yeah.” His mother was beaming, basically radiating happiness.

“I’m glad. I’m going to finish dinner.” She left with a bounce in her step. What. The. Fuck. Why did his mother act like that? Shaking the weirdness that was his mother, he went back to reading the letters.

“Dear Connor Murphy, you look really cute when you’re confused by something. You’re eyes kind of widen and your face softens, you even tilt your head a little to the side. It’s endearing. You don’t always look like that when confused. Other times you get really focused. You’re eyes sharpen and won’t leave the thing your confused about. Maybe like a hawk or a snake. You kind of, tense? No, that’s not quite right. Maybe it’s more like you’re firm? That’s not quite right either. It’s like your tense, but not because you don’t go ridgid or anything. You look handsome when you get that way. Sincerely me.” Connor sat there blushing as Zoe looked up with a raised eyebrow.

“Are all these letters from the same person?” He nodded slowly. A slow smile started to spread on Zoe’s face. She pinched his cheek.

“Aw! Connor has a secret admirer.” she teased. Connor swatted her hand away.

“Shut up.” Zoe snickered as she sat down.

“Any clues to who it could be?” He could only shake his head.

“Nothing other than the fact that he’s apparently had a crush on me since seventh grade.” Zoe whistled as she looked at all of the still unopened once.

“Damn.” Connor nodded as he grabbed another one.

“Whoever it was has been writing them since I was in the hospital.”

“I wonder if they’ll continue now that you’re out.” Zoe mused as she looked through the opened ones. Connor didn’t mind too much. Whoever wrote them kept them very PG. Plus if there was one thing he could trust Zoe on it was not to judge him about this. She judged him for a lot, but they didn’t judge about this kind of thing. Connor thought back to what she said. He kind of hoped they didn’t. These letters were the nicest things he had gotten in a long time. They made him feel special.

“Think it’s a guy?” She whispered. Their parents knew Connor was gay, but they got weird about it. Connor shrugged. He couldn’t tell. There was a giggling. They both looked up to see their mother standing there, looking at the letters.

“Mom?” Zoe asked as she shared a look with Connor. He could only shrug.

“It’s nothing dear.” She glanced at the letters before biting her lip to keep herself from speaking. She quickly left again without actually saying whatever she had originally came in for.

“That’s the second time she’s done that.” Connor frowned. Zoe looked thoughtful as she organized the letters by date.

“Do you think she knows something?” She asked. Connor turned towards the kitchen where there mother would pause to beam, hands folded, and looking like the one thing she had wished for was finally coming true.

“I know she does.”

*

Zoe and Connor started spending more time together, trying to figure out who Connor’s secret admirer was. He did still get letters, though, for a while they were inconsistent. Now he got one everyday.

“Is there anything yet? Anyone looking at you?” Connor gave oe and unimpressed look.

“I’m always stared at Zoe. People are waiting for me to snap. You know that.” Zoe nodded because, yeah, that was true. They sighed as they settled in Connor’s room. Connor took the bed as Zoe flopped on the ground. It was quiet while both were lost in their own thoughts. That is, until Zoe turned towards his desk.

“What’s that?” She asked, reaching forward. Connor watched as she grabbed something from the mess of wires. It was a dark blue envelope that easily got lost in the darkness. She opened it.

“Dear Connor Murphy,” She read out loud with a glance to Connor, “I know you have bad days. I understand that it gets tough and you might not think that you matter. You do matter Connor. You matter so much. You matter to me. It… It sucks not seeing you here. I didn’t realise how much I actually looked for you until after you’ve been gone. When someone says something dumb in English I keep thinking that I’ll hear you scoff or mutter something, or when the teacher makes some comment that I think you’d find funny I would glance at your desk to try and see that soft look you get, but all I see is an empty desk. I really miss you. I know you’re coming back eventually, but it makes me think. What if you had succeeded? What if the last time I saw you was on the first day of school when I couldn’t even speak to you? What if I never got to see you again? Just, please. Know you matter, please be safe. Sincerely, me.” It was quiet as the letter sank in. It was so weird. Connor knew people would notice he was gone. How could they not when the psycho kills himself, but this person was actually worried? Scared that they wouldn’t see Connor again? That was still such a foreign concept for him to grasp.

“Do you know what this means?” Zoe asked, a smile beginning to spread on her face.

“What?”

“Whoever is writing you is in your English class! How many people are there? Do you know their names? We could write a list and go through them!” She jumped up, pulling one of his notebooks and opened it. She paused as she looked at it.

“Whoever it was is right. You’re really good at drawing.”

“Zo!”

“Turning to the back.” The back was blank. She sat down with a pencil.

“So, who is in your class?”

“There’s twenty. Um… Hannah Greenwill, Kleinman, Mulson and four of his lackies… that red haired girl who wears cat ears all the time. That weird guy that was borderline stalking you until I knocked him out,” Zoe shuddered a little at the mention of him, “Some cheerleader… Alana, I think some guy named Zeke? Uhhh… I can’t remember anyone else besides Evan.” Zoe paused as she looked up.

“Evan? Evan Hansen?” Connor nodded, looking at her curiously. She looked deep in thought.

“You know what’s weird? Whoever is writing you is in your English class. Mom has been acting like she knows something we don’t.”

“Yeah?” She looked at him.

“Evan is in your class. The same Evan that mom had me text because you two were apparently friends, and he was worried.”

“But we weren’t friends. I had taken Evan’s letter and forgot about it. Mom and Larry found Evan’s therapy letter, thinking that we were friends.”

“What did the letter look like?” Connor thought back to the letter. Slowly his eyes widened. He thought harder.

“Connor?”

“It started with Dear Evan Hansen. Then it went on to today is going to be a good day because…”

“Connor?” He stared at her with wide eyes.

“He signed it with Sincerely me.” Zoe screamed as she tackled him in a hug.

“Dude! Evan Hansen has a crush on you!”

“W-We don’t know if it actually is him.” Connor protested weakly. Her eyes had that same kind of light their mother’s had.

“Then we’ll just have to catch him in the act.”

“If it is him.” Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Connor, I get it, you think the boy is cute and you don’t want to be disappointed if it’s not him, but have a little hope. All the facts point to him.” Connor just pushed Zoe off.

*

The next day at school Connor saw a green envelope in his locker. He felt his face warm as he wondered what could be in this one. He glanced around, spotting Evan with Kleinman. He wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but he saw Kleinman's eyes flicker over to him before amusement was clear on his face. Whatever he said had Evan shaking his head as he closed his locker. Kleinman shrugged. Connor watched them leave. He could see Zoe just ahead. Sighing he went in the other direction towards his first class. The rest of the time he could only wonder. Could Evan really be the one writing those letters? Did Evan Hansen really see him as someone worth remembering? He was so consumed in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the bell ringing until he was packing up and leaving. Once in the swarm of students he looked up. He spotted Evan and Kleinman ahead of him. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he saw Kleinman shake his head before knocking into Evan’s shoulder. The two were still talking, a small smile on Evan’s face. Connor wouldn’t admit it, but he kind of had a crush on Evan. He didn’t really know the boy, other then his anxiety and tree facts, but he was pretty cute. Connor got closer when Kleinman looked at Evan with fake betrayal. He said something, but all thoughts left when he heard Evan laugh. It wasn’t the quiet barely there huffing he usually did in public. This was loud and just… filled with happiness. Like he was enjoying himself, like he didn’t care that there were other people around him. It was a really nice sound. There was sudden pain in his face. Connor pulled back, hands clutching his nose as he hunched over.

“Fuck!” He cursed. His eyes were tearing a little at the pain, “Son of a fucking bitch! What the fuck?” He glanced up to see the pole thing he ran into.

“Fucking hell-” His swearing was interrupted by a timid voice,

“A-Are-are you-you a-all r-r-right? S-sorry stupid-stupid ques-question. Is-Is it ba-bad?” Connor felt his blood go cold. Turning he saw Evan standing there with hesitation and worry in his eyes.

“Uh…” Connor felt something seep between his fingers. It was warm.

“Y-You’re bleeding!” Evan panicked a little as he began to rummage through his bag.

“Fuck!” Connor cursed again. He was about to use his sleeve when Evan shoved tissues into his hands. Their fingers brushed briefly before Connor was pushing the tissues to his nose. He watched Evan open his mouth to say something when Zoe appeared from nowhere.

“What the fuck Connor? Oh my god, get to the nurses office!” Connor was dragged away from the area by his sister. He wasn’t sure if he should be happy or angry that Zoe got him away. He decided not to think too much about it and focus on getting his nose to stop bleeding. Zoe brought him to the nurse. The woman just sighed.

“Another fight?” It sounded as if she was expecting that to be true and was just asking for the sake of it.

“...No…” Connor admitted.

“What _did_ happen?” Zoe asked. He was quiet for a few more moments as he tilted his head forward. Screw what people said about tilting their head back. He didn’t feel like hacking up a glob of blood later.

“...I ran into that divider for the double doors.” Both women paused. The nurse looked concerned while Zoe just had a look of disbelief. A student came rushing in before going to the other room. The sound of throwing up could be heard. With a sigh the nurse went to check on the guy.

“Why?”

“... Evan laughed and I got distracted.” Zoe’s laugh was not unexpected, but it was still unwanted.

“Oh my god! Connor you are so gay!” She whisper shouted.

“I know.” He groaned, changing the tissues.

*

Connor was getting annoyed. He still didn’t have any concrete evidence that Evan was the one who was putting letters in his locker. He had gotten there way too god damn early and stayed way too fucking late, but he always missed the letters. He was pretty sure that they were slipped in during passing, or if it was Evan, Kleinman might have been involved, though why Connor didn’t know. All Connor knew was that he was frustrated. He wanted to know. Even if it wasn’t Evan. It was after school right now. Zoe had practice so he was stuck until she was done. That left him sneaking around the hallway with his locker in it. Sighing he peeked around the corner, only to freeze. Evan was standing in front of his locker. Evan Hansen stood in front of his locker with a light yellow envelope. Evan traced the edge with a finger and smiled sweetly at it. Connor was moving before he could really register what was happening. Evan was about to put it in when Connor got there. Thinking it over Connor leant forward so that his front was against Evan’s back. He moved one arm to rest against the locker, keeping Evan from running.

“Turn around.” He spoke softly to try and not spook Evan worse. He felt Evan turn, the slow drag as they pressed together more before Evan’s back was to the locker and they were face to face. Connor raised a brow as he glanced down at Evan. The poor boy’s face was bright red in embarrassment.

“Now why is Evan Hansen standing in front of my locker?” He made sure that he didn’t break eye contact as he asked. He got no response so instead he moved his eyes to the letter the boy was holding. Grabbing it with his free hand Connor only heard a slight hitch of breath. There wasn’t any protest. He moved closer to keep Evan pinned, but freeing his other hand to open the letter.

_Dear Connor Murphy_  
_I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this yet, but I have a crush on you. I noticed all these amazing things about you because I like you a lot. I wish I was brave enough to ask you out, but I don’t even know if you’d be interested. I know you have issues, who doesn’t? You are more than just your problems, though, you are an amazing talented guy. It’s just, I like you so much and I wish other people could see you like I do, you know? Sorry if this seems so… out of nowhere, but I needed to tell you, even if I never tell you who I am._  
_Sincerely, Me_

“So it was you.” Connor spoke softly. He felt his face warm. Evan had a crush on him? Okay, wow.

“You’ve been writing me letters every day.”

“H-What do… What do you me-mean it-it was me?” Evan’s voice softly spoke up. Connor looked him dead in the eye with complete seriousness.

“You know, I was really confused. According to Zoe, mom told her that you and I were friends, and to keep you updated. Then I get these letters and mom acts like she knows something. A little strange, don’t you think? I talked it out with Zoe and she agreed that it seemed pretty suspicious.” Connor watched Evan’s face blossom with red as he stared at the floor. That reaction was pretty telling. Carefully Connor tilted Evan’s face back up. Nervous energy was thruming through the shorter boy. 

“Did you mean what you wrote?” He finally asked. Throat bobbing with a swallow Evan answered,

“E-Every-w-word.” Heart beat rocketing in his chest Connor leant forward. He felt his lips begin to tingle, but he stopped once they started mixing breath.

“You know, I always thought you were pretty cute.” Evan was clearly flustered by the admission, making Connor feel good.

“I-I w-wwould I would say- but… well… the l-letters.” came the fumbled response. It was clear that he was still stuck on something else, the words a little muffled. A soft laugh escaped Connor before he smiled at Evan. God he wanted to kiss this boy. This amazing boy who was too anxious most of the time, but still sent letters to the one person in school everyone else was afraid of. Who still thought Connor was worth remembering.

“Yeah… You know… there’s something I’ve wanted to do…” Slowly he moved closer.

“W-What? What is it?” They were so close now. Their lips brushed lightly,

“Kiss you.” He felt the brief pause in Evan’s breath. Confusion clouded Evan’s eyes when Connor didn’t move closer.

“I’m not going to kiss you unless you say it’s okay.” He felt more then saw Evan nod.

“Please?” He whispered. Finally he moved closer. His heart fluttered and skipped a beat when Evan made this little noise. Leaving his hand on Evan’s face he put the other against his side. Hands were placed on his shoulders. They just stayed that way, lips pressed against each other not moving. After some time Connor slowly pulled back. He wanted to ask Evan out, but before he could he was pulled back in. Evan had squeezed his eyes shut, but Connor’s were wide open, shock coursing through him.

“Oh. Wow.” he got out. He couldn’t… Evan just… he just kissed him back? Okay, so that was a thing. A really good thing. Evan was shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

“So, uh, what? Uh, what are- what a-are we” He asked nervously. Connor was about to answer when a new voice spoke up.

“Boyfriends obviously.” Evan shrieked as Connor tried to pull back. It didn’t work as he planned. Apparently he had been too close to Evan since his legs got tangled resulting in him hitting the hard floor. Luckily Evan didn’t get taken down with him. He turned his glare to Jared Kleinman who was snickering. He spotted a cell phone and made a mental note to ream him later. Kleinman pretended to wipe a tear away before speaking again.

“My little boy has his first boyfriend!”

“J-Jared!” Connor watched Evan’s face darken, the blush spreading to his ears. Fuck he was cute. He caught Kleinman smirking at Evan.

“I _told_ you that Connor had been checking you out! I bet he ran into the pole because he got distracted by your laugh!” Connor’s face burned and he quickly looked away. Fuck! How the hell did _Kleinman_ notice? Was he that obvious? Or did he have a reason to be watching Connor?... Did he know about the letters too? Kleinman started laughing in that loud, honestly kind of creepy way he did. Connor was pretty sure he only used that laugh to creep people out because his normal one did not sound like something from a horror movie. He was brought out of his thoughts by a hand extended in front of him. Accepting Evan’s hand he got up. Evan then voiced the one question that was on both their minds, well, he tried.

“How-uh How long have-?”

“I showed up when Connor kissed you. Since it didn’t appear to escalate I just waited.” That… was a little creepy and kind of weirded Connor out if he were being honest. It was kind of nice that he waited, though, because if he didn’t Connor might have been tempted to punch him. Kleinman was tapping away at his phone. Evan’s buzzed and when he looked he literally squeaked before his face flamed again. Connor felt his own phone ring. When he checked he saw pictures of both kisses.

“The fuck?”

“What? Don’t want pictures of your first kiss?” Kleinman began to tease. Connor glared at him, but actually saved the pictures.

“Now come on loverboys. I don’t want to be here any longer.” Pausing Connor looked to Kleinman.

“You… want me to come with?” Why? Didn’t he, well, he didn’t hate Connor. That was obvious over the past few weeks were he had continued to defend him, but they weren’t friends or anything.

“Do you want to wait another hour for your sister? Besides. With you and Ev dating we might as well start on that whole ‘being nice’ thing. Or at least not being as harsh.” No. He really didn’t want to wait for Zoe who he was going to tell everything to when he had the chance to hang out with Evan instead. There was one thing on Connor’s mind, though. Even with their friendship being a rocky one Jared was still that, Evan’s friend, and Jared had known Connor longer then Evan had. He had seen how fucked he was since the very beginning.

“You… are okay with this?”

“I have been waiting for you both to become a thing since sixth grade. I have had more than enough time to make my peace about this,” That was… actually nice to hear. In a weird way.

“Honestly. I’m glad this worked out. Next step was locking you both in a closet, or ‘accidentally’ texting you. Something like ‘Evan just ask Connor out already.’” Connor kind of gave an awkward shrug, waving the hand a little to put emphasis on the letter.

“I mean. He basically did?” Connor watched the excitement take over Jared’s expression at that. He looked to Evan with a large grin.

“Okay, you’re going to tell me everything later. Right now, though, we have movies waiting for us and a pizza to call in.” Jared led the way out with a hop to his step. It was kind of really fucked up how much Jared looked like his mom in that instance. Connor monetarily paused. Shit. If Jared acted bad, Zoe was going to be worse, and his mom would be absolutely terrible. She was going to be so happy and ugh. A warm palm caught his, fingers entwining. Connor smiled a little at Evan who returned it.

“You both better not start making out.” Came the warning once they got to Jared’s car. Jared go into the front while Evan and Connor got into the back.

“Do that gross stuff on your own time.”

“Or what? You’ll yell insults at us?” Connor would like to see him try. Jared liked Evan too much to actually risk upsetting him, and Connor was immune to most insults.

“No, I’ll spray you with a spray bottle. Or some of that axe stuff that I found in my brother’s room. It smells like death, and I _will_ douse you.” Evan gave a tiny little giggle that caused Connor to smile again. Connor felt… he actually felt pretty fucking happy. Like things might not be so shitty. He continued to talk with Jared as Evan leant against him a bit. Sure they have things to talk about, but based on what Evan’s written. Connor had a pretty good feeling. For once he actually had hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems rushed. This ended up being 11 pages on my computer. Usually by then I'd have posted at least two chapters.
> 
> Still. BONUS CHAPTER. This is officially the end too.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it :)

**Author's Note:**

> So... I don't know about the letter. Does it work? Any ideas for a tittle? I've never been good with that.
> 
> Anyway, so I have no idea what to put for this. I want to talk about the story, but the next chapter clears things up more.


End file.
